Thursday, June 10, 2010

Herman Melville Would Not Wear This

So I've been reading Moby-Dick for a while now, since it's long and I only read it every few nights before I go to bed. I really like it, and I have also become a little obsessed with Herman Melville because he lives so close to me and I can go visit him whenever I want. (He is dead, and lives in Woodlawn Cemetary.) He's a really cool guy and doesn't mind the "pop-in", as I never call before I show up. Being such a brilliant writer and all, he has gained much respect over the years, but while googling "Moby-Dick" I found a t-shirt that has got to be the most horrible thing I've ever seen.

Now I know a thing or two about t-shirts. I was a screen printer off and on for about 10 years, during which I had the immense joy of seeing some of the ugliest designs known to man. Here are some examples: Burning clown faces. Burning skulls. Motorcycles flying out of flames. A basketball with flames. Skeletons on motorcycles, with flames. And while I have printed probably thousands of really ugly designs on shirts, none were as horrible as this. Behold.

True, there are no flames, but the Great White Whale seems to have Down syndrome or something. Some facial features associated with Down syndrome are: A short, wide neck with excess fat, irregularly shaped mouth and tongue,and a pushed in nasal bridge. Check, check, and check.
The next thing wrong with this really horrible shirt design are the random letters floating around the briny deep. Across the middle they have managed to insert the words MOBTY DICK. Close enough. I get that the T isn't supposed to be in there, but it sure looks like it says mobty. But what about the rest of the letters? F, R, A, H, Q, Z, N, P, two V's, two U's, and an E. Maybe they were trying to use letters that wouldn't spell anything to represent the letters that they think they might see in a book. Because obviously whoever would make something like this has never read anything.

I don't really want to go on forever about the two guys in the boat, but they seem to have sailed out of the hit show South Park, and will probably not be able to catch Down-syndrome-Dick because there are only two of them. I've never killed a whale but if I had to I would bring more than one guy along. I get that you can't really put an entire ship with tons of people on a shirt, so I'll let them slide with that one.

I actually own a shirt, that I made, that is what a shirt with Moby-Dick should look like. And it's not even a shirt for a book, but for one of my favorite bands, Mastodon. Here is a close up of that one.

Notice the realism. The whale actually looks like something old Ahab would have been scared of, And the boat is realistic. I'm not sure about the designs on the whale, but it's still way more awesome than Mr. Down syndrome up there. Whats even more awesome is that Mastodon has an entire album, called Leviathan, that is completely based on Moby-Dick. How cool do you have to be to write an amazing album, all about a classic novel? Pretty awesome, I say. Now THAT is what a shirt should look like!

Ugly shirts are fun to have though. Why just yesterday I spent a few minutes in a thrift store looking at them. Do you have an ugly shirt? Email me a picture and if I get enough I'll post a blog about more ugly shirts. I have enough that I could probably do one now, but it's more fun with other people.

And last but not least, here are some other Moby-Dick shirts. They are better and therefore not as much fun to insult. Enjoy.

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